Is it because I’m Russell Brand?

Russell Brand, the great leader of the socialist revolution, today decided to surface on the great injustice that blights British society. Brand, for whom being ‘a bit of a dickhead’ has become a job title, decided to impart his latest fable using only words that could be listed on Urban Dictionary under ‘twattery’ and in doing so reaffirmed his position, not as an outsider or someone who has ‘controversial thoughts’, but instead as Britain’s ‘lad-in-chief’ – right at the top of the hypocritical tower of power and privilege that he ‘oh so hates’. But the man doth try, so the theory goes that perhaps we should give him a chance. My question is just how many chances should one man get?

For me, I’d given up quite a long time ago. I suppose it did take a while, and I don’t know which ‘controversy’ pushed me over the edge, but it turned out to be quite obvious that the pumped up testosterone fuelled Mr Brand who lives, in his own words, by the theory that “everyone has their own mantra” was just a bit of a knob. But I’m sorry to have to break the news that ‘being a bit of a knob’ is not a ‘self mantra’ and it certainly isn’t an excuse for the hypocritical mumblings of a, white and rich and straight man being seen as some sort of holy testimony on the evils of capitalism.

‘Being a bit of a knob’ is not a ‘self mantra’

For Brand lectures us on power, on privellege and on the global system hell bent on dragging people like you, like him, down. But the idea that he is some sort of ‘leader’ for the underprivileged and hard done by in Britain is an insult to the very people who make it in this country against the odds. And that is not to dismiss Brand’s upbringing, and I’m not suggesting that he hasn’t had a hard life because of his troubled and difficult childhood – but you have to ask in a system so rigged against the underdog, that he sees himself as, how is that Brand was the one who became such a breakout star? In a system that he says is designed to keep people ‘like him’ down, to shut people like him out, how was it that he rose to the top?

But it’s obvious, isn’t it Russell? Come on, you know how it works.

And you see that’s why I don’t think the British people see themselves in Brand. They don’t buy the act that he is some kind of symptom of the hard-done-by ‘normal’ person. Far from being the voice of Britain’s so called ‘ordinary hard-working people’ – he is a parody of the ‘ideal’; a man who wants fame and fortune and to be ‘something’. The man who gets it all and yet still has nothing; a Christian Grey-cum-Sacha Baron Cohen character.

“I’m a sexy wildman!” he professes.

“It would have been convenient to be gay. Just because of the grooming, the narcissism, stuff like that. But I have this kind of roaring heterosexuality.” He says he suffers from ‘traditional, uncomplicated heterosexuality.’


“We should see Russell Brand for who he is; a comedian – a bit of a joke.”

Yet at the same time he’s a Leigh Francis sketch.

The man who talks of ‘roaring heterosexuality’ then refers to performing in Bugsy Malone at school as “a blissful epiphany.”

Who comes out with stuff like “I believe that everything is one thing and time is infinite, time is cyclical, and at one point we’ve all been each other.”

Simply put, he’s the man who just never grew up. But Brand has forgotten that youthful naivety quickly turns into hypocrisy at the age of 39. And that’s why we should see him for who he is; a comedian – or perhaps, more appropriately – a bit of a joke.

But the joke runs thin when Brand turns his efforts to excusing racism.

“When fans take back the clubs that are theirs and run them collectively, aberrant acts such as the Metro racism can be communally condemned from a just position not from the altar of cold profiteering and cunning hypocrisy.”

Condemning racism from a “just position.”

“If you treat fans like they don’t matter, then it isn’t surprising some behave disgracefully.”

Oh, there it is;

I’m not racist, but the Qatari’s own my football club.

Yet all this shouldn’t be surprising.

This is a man who before has said how he likes threesomes with two women because he’s a ‘romantic’ who’s looking for ‘The One’ and he’ll find her ‘more quickly if he auditions two at a time’.


The one who makes obscene phone calls about people’s grandkids.


People would tell him to wind his neck in when he was making jokes at people and so he’s the guy would respond with “But I was on crack. I didn’t know what was going on”.


“People say I’ve crossed the line, I don’t think there is a line.”


He said he was glad society was crumbling and that everyone was afraid after the 9/11 terrorist attacks and ‘looks back on it now’ as though he was just “very anarchic”… in a ‘very uneducated way’.


But then come the textbook responses.

“It was really no big deal… just a joke.”

“We ought to be concerned that our rights to protest are being continually eroded under the guise of enhancing our safety.”

Ah, that old ‘politically correct’ thing again.

A familiar pattern of the same old excuses that casual, and more dedicated, racists, bigots, homophobes and sexists have turned to, not just for decades but for centuries. The old ‘well my mate says that he doesn’t mind…’ – well that’s nice for you but unfortunately not everyone is your “mate”, mate. I know he thinks of himself as a bit of an intellectual, but he needn’t. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that Russell Brand is just a bit of a dickhead; but what’s worse is that he actually intends to be. He’s just your classic wind-up merchant.

“He’s a bad-boy Boris Johnson”

He’s just a bad-boy Boris Johnson; The acceptable face of dickheadism masked by buffoonery.

But it’s destructive and we are struggling to find an answer – and unfortunately a pink bus is not going to solve the crisis of equality that this country still faces.

Amongst others anti-Semitic attacks are now a daily headline and nearly half of British Jews fear their own community.

I still fear walking down the street holding a guys hand.

Young women outperforming men across the board at school and yet still locked out of the boardroom and paid less later in life. And no, not just because they “take time out to have children.”

Figures out just 5 days ago show 32% of Britain’s young black men are unemployed.

And so perhaps when you talk about people feeling “lost with nothing to believe in, and knowing they don’t matter, they dig for meaning by stirring the cadaver of revolting, dead prejudice”, Russell, you should spare a thought for those of us who when faced with oppression on a daily basis like people threatening to break our arms or have us ‘put down’ turn to the principles of equality and respect not hatred and fear.

The person threatened daily and can’t walk down the street after dark for nothing else than being a woman.

The couple worried about moving to a new house just in case the people next door have a “problem” with them being gay.

The guy afraid of starting a new job because his boss might be a casual racist.

The people afraid of going to their place of worship today – just because it’s a synagogue.

Those people aren’t lashing out with words of intolerance.

Yet there you are, Russell, with your statements like “It’s not a surprise to me that I’m becoming successful. It’s a surprise that, given the way I’ve carried on, it’s still happened. But it was always my intention. It’s not an accident.”

That’s your reality?

Because that’s not really an option for the young black kid growing up in London just trying to get on without the suspicion of being a criminal is it?

Oh and by the way, that’s the same person you want to tell not to vote. So that, what, we can hear more of people like you in politics?

And so when you say “I’m aware we’re not here long, so I don’t want to muck around” – we all know and can see loud and clear, that you quite frankly are just another stereotypical white straight lad who’s bored with Britain but who’s made it nonetheless because the system is set up for you.

Four years ago I wrote about how mindless thieves aren’t born opportunistic thugs. That you are born into a culture, a society and surrounded by people who expect things of you; one of those things probably being ‘uncomplicated heterosexuality’ – but I agree with you that people do things because they are angry, feel let down or lost.

I agree that there is no excuse, but there is often a reason.

And four years ago I came to a conclusion that I still stand by today; that you, Russell, are not a symptom of modern Britain – you are the problem with it.

Obsessed with power, sex, money and drugs.

Your casual sexism.

Your pretend bravado that tells young men that to be cool they need to be a twat.

Your theory about how there isn’t a ‘line’ in the sand when it comes to being offensive.

But unfortunately for you Russell, there is; it’s called hate crime and it’s time we started standing up and saying loud and clear that the idea that people across this country are going back indoors, locking themselves in, pulling down the blinds and fearing stepping outside onto their own streets or talking to their own neighbours is not just a step backwards – it is a tragedy.

“If you’re looking for your revolution I wouldn’t be lining up with Brand Britain”

And the greatest lie of all is that it’s their choice, that it’s all made up – that it’s in their heads. Well, it’s not. It’s real and it’s not just a minority – and it’s a real problem, unlike the “loss of masculinity of Britain’s young” or what other headlines the Mail conjures up. Britain has been hiding its diversity for far too long – and so if you’re looking for your revolution I certainly wouldn’t be lining up with Brand Britain.

Ladism is a disease. It’s the idea that you don’t have to grow up, that you don’t have to challenge ideas that you’ve been told and that you don’t have to change your mind, apologise or say sorry. The reliance that luck will give you a good hand. Brand has yet again proven that it’s not a disease that targets the young or that’s new. It doesn’t distinguish between ‘clever’ people and everyone else. It doesn’t matter what education you had, who brought you up, what your parents did or what they believed.

Mr Brand is our sufferer-in-chief, he doesn’t know how to apologise – he only resigns or walks away like the politicians he despises so much. He pretends to be all-thinking and all-talking when in reality it’s just a cover for the obvious that he doesn’t want to admit.

And so whilst women and young black people don’t need me to stand up for them, I can say for certain that they certainly don’t need Russell Brand to keep trivialising the realities of their lives and whilst I’m sure there will be a cure for ladism, in the meantime we should call it out – starting with its chief activist and bell-end – and so whilst I don’t often agree with Bob Geldof, I think it’s fair, just and right to say;

‘Russell Brand – what a cunt.’